How I came out to my folks

Variations on a theme:

There are two questions that people ask whenever they find out that you’re gay.

  1. When did you first realize you were gay?
  2. Are you out to your family?

I think it’s interesting. I sometimes think it’s rude. I like to turn those questions around on my straight querents. You know, “does your family know you’re straight?” and “when did you first realize you were straight?”.

That said, I don’t mind answering the questions. For me, question number 1 is sort of tricky (as I feel it is for most of us).

I think I pretty much expressed that in prior posts but I may be able to simplify it a little. When I first started seeing Chris, I still wasn’t really sure if I was gay or not. I thought “maybe I’m bi or something”.

We didn’t have sex at first just, you know, a little PG13 stuff for the first few weeks. It really took me a while to own it.

And to question 2, my parents knew about a year after I figured it out.

Coming out:

So, I’ve told several different versions of my coming out. Well, not really. I find my coming out to have been fairly boring and uneventful, so I usually start by telling a joke version of coming out and then telling the real version.

I kind of use it as a lesson though. I think people too often think that because I’m gay, everything is different and exciting. It really isn’t but, here’s the story anyway.

Chris and I were having a small party (a few months after I moved in with him) and my mom happened to call.

There were only guys at this party. Our friend Jerry was talking, very loudly in his high pitched voice. My mom thought it was a girl in the background. I said “no that’s just Jerry”. Then, jokingly she asks “is Jerry a fairy” (funny, and it rhymes).

We are very honest with one another, so I told her “yes”. So then she asks “are you”?

I hadn’t planned on coming out to my parents over the phone. I knew it wouldn’t effect them much but, out of respect for them, I wanted to do a face to face. I just couldn’t lie to her. So, of course, I said “yes”.

And then, you know, the thing we all LOVE to hear our parents say “I already knew that, I was just waiting for you to tell me”.

Well, I had a party going on so, I didn’t really want to take too much time talking about it so I told mom I’d call again tomorrow to talk about it. She says “well, we don’t need to talk about it, I’m fine with it but, if you feel like you need to talk about it please do”. I freaking love my family.

Of course, I called the next day and said “ok, see if you knew I was gay already, why didn’t you tell me that I was gay”. And we both had a good laugh. Of course, my mom had already told my dad the night before and he wanted to talk to me about it. He was a little upset that I waited so long to tell them, but was fine after I explained that I wasn’t sure about it myself until recently.

I’m out now:

I really think that process helped me in a lot of ways. Today, I pretty much don’t care. I tend to lay it all out there. I mean, I’m “out” at work. When we are having an event where spouses are going, I take my partner with me. They all know and love him. When I go to visit my folks I take my partner and his mom with me (my family still lives in NY).

My parents always tought me to be myself. It’s kind of been my motto really.

Of course, I didn’t extend this outness to the Army. I mean, it was “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”. It took my ex outing me for all of that drama to begin.

Well, that’s that. I do need to get some sleep soon, but just thought I’d put this out there.

Til next time!


About Michael Diviesti

I'm a brother, a son, an uncle, a musician, a software engineer and hopefully soon the law will allow me to be a husband!
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